It all started at a funeral
by mzginny
Summary: After the events of Inanimate Objects, Leo convinces Dusty, Helena, and Elisha to help him on his quest for immortality. Rated M for questionable clothing choices and the imbibing of mysterious beverages on Leo's orders.


**AN:** Hello and welcome to my first fanfiction. If I'm posting it wrong, I blame Leo. This was all his idea. I do not own Inanimate Objects, it belongs to the lovely and talented Kendra Saunders. I'm merely using her characters.

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By the time that Elisha knocked on the door of a quaint little cottage, he was already in a foul mood. Sensing this, not only because she was a particularly astute woman, not only because she knew him so well, but because she wasn't blind, Helena Bondi tugged on the lapels of his coat forcing him to face her.

"Be nice," she reminded him, "he's my brother…" Yes, as if he could forget that little tidbit of information. He continued to glower until she gave him that little quirk of a smile that he simply couldn't say no to. It wasn't fair, he thought, she was playing dirty.

He tried to force his facial muscles to something of a smile, but it felt all wrong. It looked all wrong too if the laughter in Helena's eyes was any indicator. After a long moment of the tiny shudders and flinches that signified her withholding her laughter, the floodgates broke, and she began to giggle. The tinkling sound was more precious to him than anything else in the world, and he finally smiled an actual smile. As a reward, she tugged on his lapels again, pulling him closer to her, and brushed a kiss against his cheek. He, however, felt the smile deserved more than just a little peck. Weaving his hands through her hair until one rested against her cheek and the other rested on the nape of her neck he pressed his lips to hers and began to kiss her in earnest.

Which of course meant that it was also the moment Bondi chose to open his door. He had meant to be nice, or to at least give it an honest attempt, but being caught by the elder brother kissing the baby sister was never the start of a pleasant evening. Especially since it meant he had to terminate his kissing of the baby sister far too prematurely for his liking. And that was all before he actually turned to look at the smirking brother in question. When he did so, his eyebrows were so shocked by the sight of his host that they attempted to climb into his hair and hide. Probably from embarrassment.

Bondi was wearing a skin tight black muscle shirt that wrapped all the way up his neck, actually covering the very bottom of his chin. Which was odd since the bottom stopped short somewhere north of his navel. Bits of flesh poked out of holes he'd inflicted on the garment, their jagged edges seeming to exist solely to draw the eye to pale exposed skin. And that was only his shirt. His pants, if they could be called that, were what appeared to be a series mismatched belts woven together around his legs without much regard to actually covering anything. Or, as Elisha suspected on his third perusal of the pants, it wasn't as haphazard as it seemed since the most garish of the belts were woven into the pattern in such a way that they drew the eye directly to his crotch.

Where it was evident that he wasn't wearing underwear. What wasn't evident though was why he looked put out by them. "Is that truly what you're wearing? I told you to look fetching! Memorable! The more outrageous the better."

"I don't do outrageous." Elisha said in what he thought was his most menacing tone, but Bondi simply shrugged it off.

"That's fairly evident." He mumbled as he turned to lead them into his home. Elisha motioned for Helena to go first, not only because it was polite, but also because it afforded him a rather excellent view. She had worn a vintage cocktail dress, all blue silk on top with delicate beading on the low neckline that showed off a generous amount of her skin that pinched her waist before flowing into a gossamer skirt. A skirt which swayed in a hypnotizing fashion as she walked down the hall before him and caused a hint of a smile to return to his lips. He had worn a black suit, and only because Helena had made him.

When they reached the parlor and Bondi pealed back a curtain he had placed for some mysterious reason all thoughts of Helena and her skirt fled his mind. Indeed everything seemed to flee his mind as he stopped short, seemingly frozen in place by the spectacle before him. Next to him Helena seemed transfixed as well, which made him feel slightly better about his present discomfort. After all, she had grown up around his particular brand of insanity. If she was dumbstruck as well than that meant that this was truly something else.

The room was hazy from some kind of smoke emanating from several twinkling golden incense censers scattered about the room. Hundreds of tea light candles burned on every possible surface, giving the room an eerie quality as it illuminated the faux fog. In the center of the room, surrounded by cushions of all shapes, sizes, colors, and materials, sat a crystal platter with four crystal goblets and two bottle both full of mysterious liquids. One a shade of green never found in nature and one a shade of purple so dark it was practically black. Oh, and there was a spoon, mustn't forget the spoon.

Really though, he was focusing on inane things like a spoon to avoid looking at the woman arranged on one of the larger cushions made out of a sapphire blue velvet. It would Dusty, of course, but Elisha's eyes were not eager to confirm this identification. Actually, they were quite eager to look anywhere else. If he wasn't mistaken, from the brief glimpse he'd gotten before his eyes began their frantic wandering, she was wearing the exact opposite of Bondi's outfit. Meaning that she was poured into skin tight black pants that stopped at her knees and stretched up above her navel, but that had strategic holes cut out of them. One of which was far too close to the juncture of her thighs for polite company.

That wasn't the source of Elisha's current rapid eye movement though. No, that was strictly the fault of the top she was wearing made out of woven belts. The thing with females and tops that aren't quite cohesive units, he thought with no amusement, not even the wry kind, was that they did little to actually support and cover those rather sensitive areas of the female anatomy. No, he thought with a blush slowly stealing up his neck, not sensitive. Or probably not sensitive, he had no way of actually knowing what on Dusty was sensitive. Not that he would want to…

The blush crept slowly higher.

He took a slow, deep breath before convincing himself that he was being foolish. He was sure that the outfit was entirely decent, if he'd just allow himself to look. Or at least most probably decent, at least technically speaking. After all, Bondi's pants only hinted and teased at what they contained, everything that needed covering was properly covered. With another slow deep breath Elisha forced himself to actually look at Dusty. Until he caught a glimpse of something he almost certainly should not be glimpsing. Not on Dusty, and especially not in front of both Bondis. Hoping against all hopes that he had been mistaken he snuck another peak.

Yup, defiantly a nipple, one delicate, rosy, erect nipple. Damn Bondi for this whole situation. He truly hated feeling awkward, and Bondi seemed to live life as if Elisha's fidgeting was his only goal. Well tonight he'd achieved it, in spades, and Elisha had no idea how to extract himself from the situation.

"What on earth are you wearing?" Helena finally gasped. Elisha could've kissed her for it. Not here, not in the same room as that… that nipple, but once they were out of here and back in the realm of the sane. Which was somewhere that Elisha fully intended on being within moments now that his precious Helena had broken the awkward spell that was seemingly keeping them frozen in place.

Dusty shrugged and said in the languorous way of someone who's no longer fully in touch with this world. "S'all part of Leo's plan. Brilliant plan. He's a genius you know. So very clever and so very beautiful." Since she seemed beyond the ability to, Elisha blushed on her behalf. He and Helena both turned a questioning eye on Bondi, as if he would somehow clarify things.

"How would you like to be famous not only in this world, but in others?" Bondi said with a twinkle in his eye. Elisha didn't know what he had expected, but he should've known better than to think it would be an answer. After all, this was the "brilliant" Leonidas Bondi. He was above answering to mortals. Or immortals for that matter.

"What on earth are you talking about?" Helena queried; her quick recovery from the madness another side effect of her upbringing. Elisha marveled, not for the first time, how normal she was given who her brother was.

"That's just it Lena, it's not on earth. Or at least not on this earth." The twinkle had taken on a different edge now, making Bondi appear almost manic. "I've figured it out, after all this time. I've found the way to traverse beyond." He wiggled his fingers as he spread his arms wide in front of himself, because obviously that explained everything.

"Have you lost your mind?" Elisha asked him, having had quite enough, though in his mind the answer was quite clear.

Bondi put his fists on his hips, giving Elisha an appraising glance before frowning. "Well I did tell you to wear something nicer." He said, as if that was Elisha's point of contention.

"Leo," Helena said plaintively, "we've discussed this, remember? Those dreams were just dreams."

"No Lena," Dusty said, still in a bit of a haze, turning Lena into Lee-hee-nah. "He really worked it out. It's just a bit... draining for two; we really need your help." With that statement- that was clear as mud- lucidity seemed to slip from her grasp. Her eyelids drooped and she slumped back onto her elbows, which only served to push her chest out further.

"Besides, we need both of you if we want to tell the story right. Otherwise we'll have to ask Matilda."

Hearing his mother's name snapped his focus from the rhythmic rise and fall of the belt clad chest. In an attempt to ensure that his mind did not wander back to it, he grasped at the anger that seemed ever present in Bondi's company. "Will someone please explain to me what you're all going on about?" He snarled.

Helena turned to him and held her hands up in loose fists up in front of her, as if she was uncertain how to proceed and the arraignment of her fingers might give her some sort of clue. Either they did, or she found some other inspiration, as she suddenly sighed before starting a wholly outlandish explanation. "When we were young, Leo used to have these dreams..."

"They weren't just dreams Lena..." he interrupted, but Helena shot him that no-nonsense look and brought him up short.

"He used to have these dreams of people in other worlds. People who spoke to him. Told him there stories. He used to search for a way to reach these people, to tell them stories of his very own." She swallowed before turning to address her brother. "I thought you gave all this up years ago."

"I did, but then I found the way." He motioned to the room behind him, as if that explained everything.

"How? By getting drunk and high?" Elisha scoffed.

"You wouldn't understand it," Bondi said, with a hint of a smirk, "it's magic."

Elisha desperately wanted to punch the man, but Helena had asked him to be nice, and she wouldn't appreciate him punching her only brother so soon after the request was made. Even if he technically never had agreed. He did not, however, agree to stand around and let the man insult him, so he turned on his heel and began to stride out of this madhouse.

He made it exactly one step before Helena said his name in that tone that always made him stop. "Elisha..." it was more of a caress than a word. He turned back to her and caught that quirking smile as she turned back to her brother. "Would it make you happy?" She asked simply, as if asking him if he wanted steak for dinner.

"Desperately."

"All right then. What do we need to do?"

Bondi looked like he was the cat who had just gotten the canary AND found it was full of cream, but Elisha wasn't willing to buy into this so easily. "You cannot be serious."

"We do sort of owe him."

"For what?" Elisha asked, his incredulity evident from his tone.

"Us." She said simply, with a bit of a shrug.

"We met without his help." Elisha insisted, bristling slightly.

"Yes, but would you have come back to me without his prompting?" She asked in that tone that made it clear she knew the answer, but Elisha would be damned if he'd admit it out loud.

"Fine," he said grudgingly, "but after this we're even."

"As a judge."

"That doesn't make any sense."

"I was expecting you to say something else."

Elisha shook his head, but he wasn't sure if it was at his companions, or at his own idiocy to be taking part in this. "All right then, how do we do this?"

"All we have to do is sit, drink, and enjoy each other's company." Bondi arranged himself on a red brocade pillow and motioned to the open side of the circle. As Helena and Elisha attempted to make themselves comfortable on the floor, Bondi poured first the green liquid and then the purple liquid over the back of the spoon into each of the crystal goblets. The two layers remained separate in a disconcerting fashion.

"Do I want to know what this is?" Elisha asked after taking a sniff and recoiling.

"No. No I don't think you do." Bondi said, hesitating before taking a sip from his own goblet.

"Fair enough." He said. Bad enough to be doing it might as well not think about it too. They sat and drank the green and purple cocktails, and inhaled the acrid smoke deeply, and very slowly things began to get hazy. Then they went grey around the edges. Then they got squiggly. And finally everything went sideways.

When things were once again horizontal, Elisha, Dusty and the two Bondis found themselves in a bright average kitchen. Perfectly normal unless you counted the grey that still edge the world had suddenly taken on, and the slight haze that still haunted his vision. A young woman with blonde hair was collapsed across the table next to an open laptop, apparently having succumbed to exhaustion. Bondi walked to her side and squatted next to her, brushing the hair from her face.

"Hello dear, can you hear me?" He said in a gentle tone Elisha had never heard him use before. It must have been enough to wake the girl though, as suddenly her eyes fluttered open. "Oh good, you're awake."

"Who... who are you?" She said, with only a faint quaver in her dream laden voice. "And why are you in my kitchen?"

"I'm Leonidas Bondi, and my friends and I have come to tell you our story."

"Is it a happy story?"

"In places."

She wrinkled her nose at that. "I only want to dream happy dreams." Her eyelids began to drift shut again. Bondi glanced over to Dusty, who shrugged before giving a little nod. Elisha wasn't sure how it had happened, but she appeared to be in complete control of all her faculties. Her shirt was still missing key pieces, but he supposed that traveling through dreams was miraculous enough without repairing clothing.

"What's your name?"

"Kendra..." she said on a slumbering sigh.

"Kendra, I need your help with something."

"Mmhmm..."

"My lips feel rather strange."

"Oh?"

"I need someone to apply pressure to them, to see if that helps. Could you do that? Could you apply pressure to my lips with, oh, I don't know, perhaps your lips?"

"If you think it would help." Elisha wasn't sure, but he thought that this time her sigh was slightly dreamier. Bondi tangled his fingers in her hair and gifted her with a crushing kiss. She sat suddenly bolt upright, blinking rapidly and running her fingers over her lips.

"Ah, good, you're back with us." Bondi said casually, as if he hadn't just reenacted Sleeping Beauty in this poor girl's kitchen. "Now, about our story..."

"You kissed me." She said in a voice that was half accusation, half disbelief, and was still more dream like then not. Bondi simply shrugged.

"Indeed, now about that story."

"But... but you kissed me..." She said again.

"Yes, but the story..."

"Kiss..." she repeated, still running her fingers over her lips. Bondi sighed and slumped a bit before turning on his heels to face Elisha.

"Perhaps you should begin, dear Elisha." Left unsaid was that Elisha didn't unsettle women nearly as much as the "glorious" Leonidas Bondi.

"I'd rather go home." He crossed his arms over his chest.

"The sooner you begin, the sooner you can leave."

"You're really not going to let me go until we go through with this madness, are you?"

"Nope."

"Very well then." Elisha straightened himself and cleared his throat. "It all started at a funeral…"


End file.
